Finding Love Again {Reblogged}

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. First, you have to be ready to allow yourself to love again. This means choosing to move through the fear of being vulnerable again, to release the trepidation of another broken heart. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, simply welcoming love is not sufficient to make that special person appear; you have to be an active participant in life and engage in opportunities that will allow you to meet people. Once you find that connection, it needs to be nurtured. It will take deliberate action to create the relationship that you want. I have found that this is an ongoing cycle: I continually have to work to allow myself to be open and to not let fear close me in. I am always actively seeking the love I want (now within the context of a relationship instead of on the dating scene 🙂 ); I hold a vision of what I want. And, finally, I am consciously working to create and maintain the vision.

I’m often told that I’m lucky to have found love again. Sure, there is an element of serendipity but there is also quite a bit of choice and deliberate action.

I screwed a lot of things up on the way to love. I had a tendency to act married immediately upon meeting someone (what can I say, I knew how to be married, but I had no idea how to date!). I looked to men for escape or validation. I confused dates with old friends, looking to them for emotional support. I walled myself off, using my strength and survival skills to keep men at arm’s length. I didn’t always listen to my gut. I let my anger get the best of me. I dated before I had fully dissected my role in the end of my marriage. I overlooked certain things that I probably shouldn’t have. I hurt feelings carelessly and I failed to listen to advice (that damn defensiveness!).

But I also did a lot of things right. I saw dating as practice and I made sure to get plenty of it. I was patient with myself and others. I said “yes” more than I said “no,” and, as a result, I opened myself up to new people and experiences. I made time to play and I didn’t take myself or dating too seriously. I may have been angry with my ex, but I never transferred that animosity to all that carry the XY chromosome. I didn’t let my natural introverted nature keep me inside, buried in a book. I approached everything as a learning experience and I allowed myself to be open to change. After some false starts, I accepted the value of baby-steps and taking a relationship as it comes.

Here’s what I learned from my journey to love again. Maybe this list can save you from some of my mistakes 🙂

Intention: Know what you want. Have a mental vision board. If something or someone doesn’t fit, it may be best to let them go.

Step Out: Step out of your comfort zone. Step outside. Step out of your routine. Step out of your normal group.

Acknowledge: Accept your fear. Your doubt. Your hesitations. Acknowledge them but don’t let them control you.

Practice: You won’t get it right at first. No one does. Try again.

Patience: Be gentle with yourself. And others. Most people are doing the best they can in that moment. Be patient in your search. Enjoy the journey.

Openness: Say “yes.” Remove barriers. Explore new ideas and new experiences. Withhold judgment. Replace it with reflection.

Forgiveness: Forgive yourself. You are not damaged goods. You are whole and okay as you are. You are worthy of love.

Levity: Have fun. Laugh. Everything is better with a smile.

Effort: Love isn’t passive. You have to be willing to be an active participant and to make an effort.

Listen: It’s amazing what you can learn.

Grow: Let your successes and not-quite-successes fuel your development.

Love is worth it. Allow it in, seek it out and create it in your own life.

via Finding Love Again.

If you are divorced, you are DOOMED.

The title basically sums up society’s view on divorce. Guess what? You’re not doomed. I’ve never really thought much about divorce until it was literally knocking at my door. In America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorces per week. Yikes! Now, although divorces can be pretty nasty, it’s not always a horrible experience. And people just can’t wrap their head around that. Trust me. People are shocked when the “D word” comes up and then they’re confused when they see my ex and I interact or hear me talk about him. We don’t hate each-other and we’re actually friends. We didn’t use lawyers and sat down together like adults. We even managed to go to the courthouse together and we both came out alive. We both love each-other enough to acknowledge we don’t work and we want each-other to be happy. I actually made sure he was okay with sharing this on my blog. Crazy, right?

Apparently we’re an oddity. We were able to transition back to friends and be great parenting partners. And people just don’t get it. Most people’s first reaction is to try to “fix” it. It’s actually pretty amusing considering a few things. First, it’s a little too late. Secondly, they don’t know anything about our marriage and usually say, “you guys seemed so happy.” Thanks but seeming happy is not our goal in life. Third and most importantly, does it have anything to do with you? Below is part of an actual conversation I had recently:

Friend: its weird to me that y’all are like not upset about it (not judging just an observation) if I got divorced Id die

Me: The most freeing thing has been to do what’s best for me and not care what others say or think. It’s my life and I’m so happy. Every body is different and although some divorces are sad, ours has actually been surprisingly a good thing.

Society seems to have handing out pity for divorcees down but they haven’t figured out what to with those of us who are happily divorced just yet. Generally I’m a considered a cold hearted bitch because I made a decision to be happy now and not wait 40 years. Haha. I can’t change some people’s view but I can be light for those who are down the same path. Don’t listen to the  world, your life isn’t over. You’re not ruined. Divorce doesn’t make you a horrible person and no, you’re not going to hell. (Yes I’ve been told that.) I’ll end with a quote that puts love perfectly and a picture from our wedding! Ironic, eh? Enjoy!

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; Love shouldn’t be one of them.